September 12, 2005 Stop smiling, Starr yelled at me. That smile has got to go. It is a “nice” smile… fake and plastic. By the next day, the smile was gone. Each of us told what our situation was or in other words…what is our shit. The overall picture was that we all had parent issues, with one or both parents. Abandonment and verbal, emotional abuse occurred also. We all grew up too fast and lost our childhood because of the abuse and abandonment issues and now we are trying to get back our childhood and not wanting to grow up and be responsibility for our actions and our lives. This was hard to swallow at first, yet it was because of this fact… I know there was some truth to the statement. We all were “trying” to be good people, though we would manipulate, change, and use many methods to control, to right in many areas of our lives. We knew more about life than the masters. Starr did give me credit with the fact that I was open to listen to what her views and information was, then I would discern if it was true and something to work on or let go of. I appreciated and grateful for this from her. I respect her views. She is opening my eyes to many perspectives of me that I was denying to myself for many reasons. On one of the first days, we chose “Shit” names that fit our past/current situations. There were many adverbs, adjectives, nouns thrown around to describe each person. For me the final name that I would claim and wear during this first week was “Nice, Fucked Doormat.” I fit me to a “T”. I had been used, abused and fucked with all my life and I am here because I am damn tired of it and it has to change now. So for this first week, most people called me Doormat. We were given chores or “sacred service” to do for a few days and then change. I was doing the trash the first few days. One day we were “tied” to another person and still required to do our service and other exercises while physically tied to this person. One woman was tied to the only guy in the group which made this exercise interesting and gave a sense of humor. We were tied to this person for the entire day, starting from about 10am to 11pm. It was a long day, but this is what it is like to carry your shit around. You make friends with it and go about your day. You may get tired of the “shit” but it is still with you till you claim it to start the healing process. Back |
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