September 17 2005 The Funeral At the end of this “Hell” week, James, the assistant teacher, announced that the next assignment was writing our funeral. All of it. What we wanted on the headstone, what was going to done, said, by whom and the wake or reception after the funeral. This was a ritual or ceremony to say our finally goodbye to our “shit”, our baggage that has been keeping us back from our true Self. This was also a way to set in motion what we wanted to succeed in and be remembered for. This was difficult for me because I didn't know who would still be alive for my funeral. I have been told that I would live to be 109 years old. Not many of the current friends and family were still be there for me, so I wasn't sure who would be saying what. I did my best, though I hesitated in doing this exercise a bit. I continued from the start by writing an outline of the points I knew I wanted to be remembered for. My writing, teaching and creative expression venues. I wanted to be remembered as a good person who was there for her family and friends… students and colleagues. So I began writing it all out. I have redone it at home when I returned… first for this Blog, then for myself after thinking it out better. Back to Hot Springs… That night we gathered in the Dome and we sat in a semi-circle around a make shift coffin with candles and flowers. Each of us went up and read aloud our funeral plans. Some had done a real complete job of it. (Another reason why I redid it.) I did what I felt for the moment and it did fulfill the job. Most of mine remains the same. After reading the funeral, we each had a moment with our decrease Self… we could speak in silence or aloud. The spoken word is stronger than the silent. Most spoke softly to themselves. I said my goodbyes and reflected for a moment, wondering what more needed to be said. I must admit that I did cry doing this part. Next, I sat down… continuing to think if I miss saying something to someone. I thought about my Grandfather Ed who I didn't get to his funeral and miss so much. He is one of my guides now. I hear his laugh now and again. I also thought of my neighbor who was like a second mother to me, Bess. I hear her laugh too. I did go to her funeral to say goodbye, yet something was still missing here. We got an opportunity to go up again. I did. This time speaking aloud, clearing out all that I need to… I said goodbye and asked for forgiveness for all the lies, manipulations, for holding onto the “Jenny” of the past who is dead. She died a while ago and I had been letting her live longer… no positive reasons, just excuses and someone to blame. I asked God, Source and Spirit for forgiveness as I forgave myself for blocking my gifts and not being true to myself or my path. I apologized to my guides: Angels, Archangels, Ascended Masters, and other entities for being there for me and I wasn't listening as well as I will now. I appreciate their presences in my life and will follow their guidance now. I began apologizing for all the little things I did as a child. Then I forgave all the men who have hurt me and taught me well… through their abuse, rape and abandonment. It made me a stronger person. I continued with my parents who loved me as they could and taught me well. My sisters, the friends, clients who tested my boundaries. I spoke loud and clear…and with deep intentions to clear this out of my life. Throughout this experience, I did release much. I am still releasing more of the anger I have towards men. This will take some time. I told one lady that there is a thin line between hate and love. Both are very strong passions. I realized much about myself and all the little things that start to add up in your life. All the blame and misunderstandings that build up the walls. I have knocked those walls down now and breathe much easier. Thank you. Back |
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